Perfectionist and People Pleaser usually go hand in hand. AND come from childhood.
Unfortunately, both can cause you to be exhausted and cause exhaustion in those around you.
Perfectionist
There can be nothing more irritating than when you simply want to have a rest from tasks, chores, plans before carrying on regardless, and your sub-personality part, Perfectionist, says in your ear, ‘Must keep going regardless.
Let’s just finish what you’re doing as then you’ll feel better. AND who knows who will pop in unexpectedly!! Or words to that effect.
Maybe the people in your life, or at work, just want to have a break before finishing whatever it is that you are pushing and pulling them into, and then you end up having a row.
I know this one very well (and the rows) as my Perfectionist was very strong and I had to keep going on occasions until it was say, dark outside and I was forced to stop. I know now the benefits from my Perfectionist and I actually admire her. I can tell her that it’s okay to leave housework, the garden or whatever and take time out. My world won’t fall down around my ears!
People-Pleaser
My People Pleaser, sub-personality part, tried to take care of everyone and see that they were happy. I became over-responsible for others’ feelings.
I was Miss Harmony at all costs – and especially to my detriment.
(A thought – perhaps I ended up a Psychologist so I could do that!!! What do you think?)
‘I Don’t Care – The Art of Divine Indifference’
My 2nd Book – ‘I Don’t Care – The Art of Divine Indifference’ – will be published very shortly, and in there I talk about how our People Pleaser has learned that she gets love and attention when she does or gives out what others’ want.
Although it can seem that you are the Care-Taker, it is you that has allowed others to be the Takers of Care and once again, you end up exhausted and resentful and others around you, don’t know why this is so. Sometimes even, you can have physical symptoms – tension headaches, back or stomach problems, then there’s sarcasm, irritability, tears and anger and even moving into depression.
Your body is attempting to tell you that something is wrong. You have swallowed down your own needs and forgotten about yourself in the bigger picture of life.
This can happen in both your personal and professional life.
Suggestions
One way to address this is to:
- become aware of how much these parts have taken you over
- learn to like YOU – the woman in the mirror who is waiting for you to see her
- see how much your ‘shoulds/oughts/musts/needs’ are driving you
- to know that your needs are important too
- know that you do have a choice in who and what you care about
- to know that your conscious choices to care are quite different from unconscious care-taking driven by your need to be liked, included, be part of, not excluded
- and finally to learn to say ‘NO’ and to put up BOUNDARIES
I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you are dealing with your Perfectionist and People-Pleaser.
Great post and so needed for so many women. The eternal need to take care of others whilst ignoring themselves! All women ‘should’ read this!!
Thanks so much, Joy, and we know all about this truth. If, you see this on my FB could you also add your ‘wise’ words to that too as I am so appreciative of them. xx
Irene, I think mothers are the biggest category for this one? 🙂 (Superstars that you all are!)
I haven’t been a mother (weep) but I’ve been ticked off a few times for doing too much for other people in business. Thing is, I enjoy it and I’ve always felt a need to share what I’ve learned. What goes around comes around and a kindness given to me is something I like to return to someone else is possible. I think that’s quite a common thing for people really.
You’re so right though, to keep in mind one’s own needs too. If we look after ourselves, we can give more in the long run. It’s about longevity and self preservation too. 🙂
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for commented which I appreciate. I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said at all and it’s your bit ‘If we look after ourselves,we can give more in the long run………
is what I’m going for in my book. I’ll have a look at your website, etc. Irene x
Hi Irene
I was once told that my biggest challenge is my self reliance, which is another side to the people pleasing perfectionist issue. In my mind I have to get things right because no one else can be relied upon to do it. Obviously this is no more true that the other limiting beliefs that are being whispered I’m my ears. Your book sounds very exciting. Good luck with the launch – I look forward to reading it Big Hugs :~D
Thanks for your support and comments. These sub-personalities don’t ever leave just that we can handle them better – life! I’ll be shouting far and wide about my book – wait and see xx
Wise words Irene. Perfectionism can be a big issue for women & I’ve learned that the motivation is ‘other’ focused ie we are trying to please others & that can never be controlled. If we fail we believe that we weren’t perfect enough so we try harder, making it a never ending spiral. Brene Brown describes it as a ’20 ton shield’ & that shame is behind it.
Healthy striving is bettter as comes from inside us & is about doing the best for me.
Easy to say & not always easy to do though!
Lesley
Thanks, Lesley, for taking the time to comment. I linked the two together because usually they are in my experience. Loved what you had to say and you’re right, it is not easy. xx
I suspect I am, and have been both. Like Sarah I do get genuine pleasure out of seeing others succeed and progress, so I do offer a lot of help. I don’t think I do it with reciprocity foremost in mind, but there are certainly times when I am aware of frustrations around the area of reciprocity. I wouldn’t like to restrict my pleasure in helping others, but I would like to have better focus on my own needs at times. I think perfectionism has ‘not enough’ at its root. If you’re ‘perfect’ you just might be ‘good enough’.
Hi Jenny, Thanks for taking time to make a comment. I’m with you in what you say. For me, it is about choice, saying Yes or No and even changing my mind – Life! xx