I Don’t Need Anyone!

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I DON’T NEED ANYONE!!!

 

I am once again talking about something that is not often spoken openly about and that is not many of us want to own up to our neediness.

 

And yet, I wonder if you are saying nowadays or perhaps some time in the past, something along the lines of –

I can cope on my own! 

I am an independent woman!

I am a big girl now! 

I don’t need anyone to help me!

 

I wonder what it is about the word needy that could make you cringe, cause you to feel ashamed and know you definitely don’t want to be called that!

 

And yet, your neediness is part of your development and it only becomes an issue when you don’t see yourself as an individual first.

 

What is neediness?

 

Neediness is a form of dependency which is not in itself such a bad thing – in fact it is totally normal and acceptable as we needed this to stay alive.

 

It affects us all from birth as we all have fears of abandonment – nobody’s an island.  It’s our fear of being excluded from the tribe as we couldn’t  survive on our own – so we needed to be part of something – to belong.  That pain of loss is still within us and that makes us vulnerable when in any relationship.

 

So you and I are interdependent.   It is the human condition that we are not meant to be alone and isolated.    Yes be an individual and also acknowledge that it is the human condition to be part of a group.     We can then acknowledge we are independent and also interdependent.

 

Clinginess

 

Clinginess is an extreme form of dependency which isn’t normal and can even be seen as desperation and then there can be a problem.

 

This over-neediness is your own issue as it comes from damage in your past which has affected your self-esteem.    In our make-up, we all lack something and think that someone else will make us whole – 2 parts of the same coin – not so!

 

Indispensable nourishment for our Soul

 

All of us, in some form or another, are needy – have neediness – however much we say we are not!!

 

We all need to be seen, acknowledged, be included and to be part of something whether a group, a family, a community……    It is indispensable nourishment for our soul.    When this need isn’t met, it leads to pain inside you that is all the more searing when you are conscious of it.

 

The Asking

 

The one thing for me is that we can all forget to do is to ask for help and support.   It is as simple and as hard as that!!    The important thing is the Asking as until you ask, you can’t receive i.e. anything different from what you have now.   If you are lucky enough, sometimes a person spontaneously will be there for you as they are aware that you simply need that support – to feel someone is there who doesn’t want anything from you.

 

Research 

 

I didn’t know this, so for me (and hopefully you) this is useful information and I got this from a FB friend, Isaac George  –

 

“The average length of a hug between two people is 3 seconds.  But researchers have discovered something fantastic.  When a hug lasts 20 seconds, there is a therapeutic effect on the body and mind.  The reason is that a sincere hug produces a hormone called “oxytocin“, also known as the love hormone.  This substance has many benefits in our physical and mental health, helps us, among other things, to relax, to feel safe and calm our fears and anxiety.  This wonderful calming is offered free of charge every time we have a person in our arms, we cradle a child, we cherish a dog or cat, we’re dancing with our partner, the closer we get to someone or just hold the shoulders of a friend.” (Robert Milstein)

 

It is wonderful to have this proven even though you and I have known it all along – the benefits of genuine hugging!!

 

Benevolent Touching and Hugging

 

Benevolent touching is a very old way of healing and this kind of focussed physical contact most probably stimulates our life-force, not just on an emotional level but on a biological level inside our very cells.    Something in touching strengthens the will to live in us.   It allows us to receive that moment or more of letting go to, and trusting another.   When we get a real, giving hug, we can feel supported and be able to lean upon someone and rest even if it is just for a moment or two.

 

In my opinion, the healing comes about not by saying anything but by letting another know that their pain, their suffering and their fear matters.   You are giving them refuge and silently saying, ‘I see YOU and YOU really matter”.

 

A life without hugs is bereft of meaning and joy!!   So are you with me?  Is your hand up for more of the giving and receiving of Hugs?   I hope so because mine definitely is!!

 

If my words touch you, I’d appreciate you sharing this blog and if you would like to get a ‘virtual hug’ from me, then contact me on irene.brankin14@virgin.net and let’s see how I can do that for you in some way.

 

My next Workshop is on April 16 & 17 at Pontlands Park Hotel, Great Baddow, Essex, and you can get more information here.

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